I Wish I Had Never Kissed Him
by Paddy's Little Friend
Summary: Third in the 'I Wish I Had Never Met You' series. Luke regrets kissing someone. Luke's POV, contains Luke/Reid


Seeing you that day sent what was behind those floodgates rushing out and there was nothing in me that could have stopped it. It would have been easier to stand in front of a stampede of elephants and come out the other side as I went in than it would have been to keep those gates closed. Humanly impossible is what it was. Every emotion that took me six years to lock away for them never to be seen by anyone was suddenly staring me square in the face. Like a fool, I thought closing my eyes and pretending it hadn't happened would work; only when I opened them again they were closer, threatening to strangle me until I admitted they were right. I suppose one could say they were my own version of Doctor Who's Weeping Angels.

I knew before I even entered that room that you were in there; your voice sailed down the corridor and even though I'd never heard you speak in your native tongue, I recognised the soft, velvet voice immediately. So Noah, you may think I simply overlooked you when I walked into room 132 but it took all my willpower to not steal a glance before jumping on you right then and there. Just breathing the same air as you again made me dizzy enough to faint.

When I heard you following me out of the room, I thought I could ignore you, but then you called out my name. It was the most beautiful sound I had heard since you'd left. I turned around and took you in, you were even more gorgeous than the day we first met, and that was something I didn't think could ever happen. Those blue eyes, which I had grown to love so much, were so deep and loving and that was the moment when I realised I shouldn't have kissed Reid in front of you because I could have tried again. That was the one chance I had to relight our fire and I blew it through one simple, tiny action.

I couldn't hide what I had with Reid from you, so I told you. I love him so much, and he really does make me happy. But he's not you; he'll never be you, not even a scratch on you. I looked deep into your eyes as I told you how Reid and I formed our relationship and that pain, that hurt, that anguish that shone through brighter than a thousand suns was the exact same sorrow I had to endure when you told me you were moving back to Florence all those years ago.

When you told me about Elisa, I shattered. I shattered into a million tiny pieces. Nothing could have prepared me for that. Although somehow I knew you didn't love her, you didn't want to tell me you were engaged, but your moral conscience always got the better of you. Hiding what I felt was something I had gotten pretty good at, I sometimes even managed to convince Reid I was fine when I wasn't. However you were are the one person who can see straight past that wall, however high and long I build it. Sometimes I think you have magical powers, Mayer.

My mind was completely, utterly swamped by thoughts of you that night. The mere memory of you was enough to send me into a bitter depression at the tender age of nineteen, and no more than six years later, you appear in my life and have that exact same chokehold on me. If you kissed me, I'd kiss you back in a heartbeat. To feel your arms around me and to know I was safe in that secure, gentle embrace, is something I yearn to feel at least once more before I leave this life for good.

As Reid and I made love that night, feeling him inside me was alien. For those few, long, precious minutes he wasn't Dr. Reid Oliver, he was you. I came harder that night than I ever have before.

Time went on and eventually Reid told me that your mother had been discharged, fully recovered, and that you were on the next plane to Italy. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry; finally the chance of running into you in what could seem like the smallest town on planet Earth were gone and that meant I could rebuild the broken wall, brick by brick. On the other hand, I had lost my chance to tell you how I feel about you once again: pure, simple, true, undeniable, never failing love.

You always seemed to show up in life from then on.

At first it was strictly related to your mother and her health; Reid was a truthfully fantastic doctor, and he kept in touch with your mother's consultant back in Italy to check on your progress.

A couple of years later Brady Hickman was organising a class reunion and asked me to ask you along. I didn't have the courage to even try and make contact so I politely declined your invitation for you, using the excuse that you had prior commitments.

Then I couldn't get away from you. Out of nowhere a low-budget film you had written and directed was a massive success and I couldn't even walk down the street without seeing your name plastered on the side of a bus or on a giant billboard. Fate was throwing you in my face and fate wanted me to go and see that film.

One thing I had kept from Reid in our, now 8 year long, relationship was the fact that I ever knew you. He instantly recognised your name from the press coverage and surprised me with a pair of tickets to see it on the first day of general screening. Little did he know how much that film would be the death of me.

Meeting you Noah, is still something I wish I had never did, because now I can't even live in the sanctity of my own apartment with my own boyfriend without your name being thrown around like a tennis ball that I can never quite catch but can always see. I'd rather re-live the first four months after you first left Oakdale than live how I am living now; I'm a wreck.

I want, no, need you in my life and I think I am at last coming to terms that I'll do anything I possibly can to have it that way. Only now you're a Hollywood Movie Director with a million-dollar tab to your name and I'm just plain old Luke Synder.

Life's a can of worms.

All my love, as always,

Luke


End file.
